People write what they feel. Eventually, what you are trying to say will get on the page as long as you start. Here is my start--I am 25 years old and in medical school. My life seems to be on track, I am pursuing a career I had always dreamed of having...and then I got sick. At first, I thought it was the run-of-the-mill rundown so familiar to physicians and physicians-to-be. I decided, "it was nothing," "I would be fine," "I just slept wrong," "I didn't sleep enough," "It's just stress," "it's all in your head," and all the other reassurances we tell ourselves and the people that we love. However, I wasn't fine. I presented to a PCP and started telling her my symptoms--she told me I had depression and recommended I start prozac immediately. I presented to an endocrinologist who told me that "they don't deal with that type of problem," meaning they didn't deal with someone asking for help. My symptoms were very non-specific--aches and pains, fatigue, insomnia, malaise, etc. I initially thought it was my thyroid and I could get some synthroid and be on my marry way. Little did I know that life was about to change...I got an autoimmune panel. It turns out I had a positive ANA with high titers of several autoantibodies. At this point, I wasn't sure what this meant but I knew it wasn't good. You see, being in the medical field is both a blessing and a curse for the same reason--you know too much. I very quickly began seeing a rheumatologist who was shocked as much as I was about my lab results. I decided to take some time off to get it together again--apply to residency, take my boards, interviews, oh and get myself back together. I saw several different physicians as they tried to figure out just what I had and what to do. It was clear I had autoimmunity with some symptoms, but it was unclear diagnostically what that was. I tried several natural treatments in the hopes that the mild nature of my symptoms would melt away with supplements and vitamins that I was lacking. However, I got worse. I tried natural treatment after treatment until I realized, I cannot live like this. I filled the prednisone to get me through my exams. After the miracle of turning my life around, it was very clear I wasn't going to get off of it anytime soon. I continued to take it, returned to school, and everything was fine...let me get one thing straight, I was fine. I needed prednisone to get through, but I was fine. I didn't have a disease, chronic illness, or anything wrong with me. I just needed some steroids because it really is a wonder drug. I remember back to the first lecture we had in physiology on the effects of cortisol and steroids on the human body. I remember seeing the pictures of the habitus of these people who took steroids and the laundry list of side effects that ensued from taking them. Little did I know I would one day experience them. I think when I got moon faced and pred bellied, I decided that I needed to do something about this. Prednisone was a bandaid trying to mask a massive hemorrhage--it would palliate but not cure it. I realized that it was time--I started a DMARD.
I have thought about writing a blog on and off throughout this whole ordeal; perhaps, to document my own experiences but also as a way to help others through this tumultuous journey. While there are several wonderful blogs out there that have been very useful during the past several months, I think the unique combination of being a doctor (almost), a patient, and having an autoimmune disease has brought several different methodologies and perspectives to my door and has changed me as a person. I hope that the chronicles of my journey will help all those that have been in similar shoes, a chronic illness with no cure, as well as serve as a forum for people to comment on their own experiences. My journey with autoimmunity has been very atypical but I hope that patients and doctors alike can learn more.
It was the best of times and the worst of times...most days, this is how I feel.
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