cocktail take 2

So, after failing methotrexate, I am on the hunt for my new cocktail. Since graduation, I have done a liver flush to remove toxins from my liver, the suspect in my "toxicity." I started plaquenil--did pretty well for a few days, regressed, and then improved. I started sulfasalazine just yesterday, and I am not sure where this is going. I feel much better after having a painful few hours after taking it initially. I go through this every time always in the same sequence. First, there is questioning--should I take it? what side effects should I expect? what side effects may occur, even if they are unlikely? then, decision to finally take the darn thing and all its consequences, followed by, the "is it working" phase, which is entrenched with the "will this work" thinking, which is then followed by the "omg, this is the worst thing ever" phase. Right now I am in the "is it working" phase, and I hope to graduate to a new "it is working" phase. I know that my family tells me to  put my faith in something, every drug that I try, and I need to be positive. But to be honest, thinking positive does not will disease to disappear. I wish it was that easy, and that this was a quick fix. I have had moments after looking at a paper or doing some of my own research that I say, "eureka," this is a cure! And then I try it and it disappoints. I have had moments when I feel as though I am getting better....several times on methotrexate, I thought, oh man, this is it, I am going into remission! And it was not the case, not even close.

So, I hope this is the end to my hunt...I hope that this cocktail will give me some relief without any major side effects and that I can get back some functionality. I am feeling great now, but it is a feeling I know all too well. I wish that I could tell my patients something to get them through these times of uncertainty....I don't know that I am going into remission, but I am hoping that this is it and that my search will be over, and that hope is really something to hold on to.

MD finally

Graduation was a week ago! I cannot believe that four years went by sooo fast! The only thing I could think about that day was getting through it--the stairs! Up and then down. Stairs are know a problem for me. But with prednisone, my day was great! I made it through graduation, which is a feat in it of itself. I am so proud to have made it through! I am a doctor!

last week of medical school

I finished my last week, my last lecture, of medical school. Graduation in a few days. I am so humbled and honored by everything I have seen and done over the past 4 years. I think this perspective comes from a year of lots of sacrifice and learning as my health has taken a massive dive. At my last lecture, one very wise professor said "experience is just the test before the lesson." How true do those words ring? Today has been a day of highs and lows, ups and downs, goods and bads; doesn't that sound just like your typical day with arthritis? Or maybe just the beginning of the best Twain novel you will ever encounter. I have laughed and cried, been somber and reproachful. Today, everyone has something to say as we continue our journeys. People are filled with adages, sage pieces of advice, but being someone young and very new, this advice is lost without context. I feel as though I have the body of a 60 year old and wisdom of someone beyond my years as I am already trying to sort through my own feelings of life, death, and what it means to be a human. I feel like every moment is more precious because you never know when it will be your last; or in my case, the last pain-free moment.